Beginner’s Guide to BDSM: Easy BDSM Tips For Beginners

BDSM is mainstream, and many talking heads would love to credit that to the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey. In reality, this is hardly accurate. The book series may have gotten tongues wagging, but BDSM has been around for centuries. 

So, what is BDSM? Practices vary, but it involves combinations of bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism, and dominance and submission. Each of these behaviors represents the exchange of power. BDSM can be entirely focused on sex and bondage sex toys. Some people practice BDSM without involving sexual activity whatsoever.

In any case, the unifying component of BDSM is that one partner gives control of their body, mind, or both to the other partner. Sometimes, this is done through BDSM play sessions. In other instances, couples form long term relationships where one is the ‘dom’, and the other is the ‘sub’ which often involves a chastity device.

Personality types often influence whether someone prefers to be dominant or submissive. In rarer cases, participants may switch roles. There are many variants on this, but the most important thing to remember is that consent is key.

You aren’t alone if you’ve ever considered exploring BDSM. It’s one of the most common fantasies. Even better, you can choose how deep you are willing to delve into this. But, there are matters of safety and well-being at hand, so take some time to read this BDSM guide.

How do You Identify in BDSM

Any beginner’s guide to BDSM must begin with an explanation of roles. Some people know exactly where they belong when it comes to BDSM. There’s something of a dominant - submissive spectrum, and some are very aware of where they land. Others need some time to figure things out. That’s perfectly normal.

To get started on your journey, learn as much about BDSM online. Ideally, you will have a supportive partner who will research with you, and participate as you experiment. These conversations will help you to better discover your identity. Now some vocabulary about different BDSM roles.

Dominant

This is the partner who is in charge. They may maintain power only during BDSM sessions, or keep their role throughout an entire relationship. Doms may use physical or mental means to maintain control.

Submissive

The sub willingly  hands over control to a dom. Again, this can occur in relationships as a whole, or in BDSM play sessions.

Switch

A switch likes to change things up. They can be a dom or sub depending on their partner, scenario, or situation.

Top

A top is a person who will willingly play the role as a dom in a BDSM scene. However, they may not identify as dominant. This may be done to fulfill the sexual fantasy of a partner. Yes, the word ‘top’ also refers to a gay man who prefers to penetrate his partner during anal sex. Just keep in mind that not all gay ‘tops’ are dominant, and not all gay bottoms are ‘subs’.

Bottom

Similar to the ‘top’, the bottom is someone who is able to play a submissive role regardless of how they identify.

There are several subcategories. These include Daddy-dom’s, Master’s, and Sissy’s. Now to repeat the most important point. All roles and related activities involve absolute consent, and the ability to withdraw that consent on demand.

What About The Sexual Aspect?

For many people, perhaps even most, BDSM is decidedly sexual. That is why you see beginner bondage toys for sale in sex toy shops. Still, there are others who use BDSM play to meet a psychological or emotional need. Wherever you fit on this spectrum is fine. However, it is best to have clarity on this, and to come to an agreement with your partner(s). By doing this, you can avoid miscommunications and conflict.

Safety in BDSM

It’s easy to find BDSM tips that address a variety of kinks, preferences, and interests. Don’t bother with those until you read this. Long story short, BDSM involves activities that have the potential to be physically painful and psychologically intense.

You are either giving control of your body and behavior to another person, or they are giving that control to you. Both parties must handle this responsibly. Nobody should enter into a BDSM relationship or play in a scene without discussing both safety and consent.

The best place to start is by getting to know your partner. BDSM should never be about physical or mental abuse. Play safe. Prioritize BDSM safety. Don’t engage in play with someone you don’t know or trust. You should be absolutely certain that your partner will respect your limits, and will listen to your safeword.

Safewords

Yes, we’ve all watched that episode of ‘Family Guy’ where Lois prepares to dominate Peter with the famous line, ‘Your safeword is banana.’ It’s hilarious, but the truth is that safewords are very serious. What are good safe words? The safeword is a chosen word or phrase that you or your partner can utter at any time in order to stop the current activity.

You may be wondering, why choose a safeword? Shouldn’t couples who respect consent just say ‘no’ or ‘stop’? No. Because much of BDSM involves play-acting about consent, this isn’t effective.

For example, someone may be enjoying a BDSM session and paddling with a solid BDSM paddle, while also screaming ‘No! Stop!’ or ‘This hurts so much!’. They don’t really want the action to stop. That’s why most people choose an entirely unrelated word or phrase to indicate that they really need things to stop.

Lois’ use of the word banana was silly, but it does fit the bill. There’s not much danger of that being yelled randomly during a BDSM session. When you choose your safe word, consider one that is not directly related to sex or consent.

Some people use stop lights as a way to communicate levels of consent. This can be helpful because while red and green mean stop and go, yellow is a warning. It means one partner is becoming slightly uncomfortable.

There are safeword exceptions. For example, if a ball-gag or mask prevents someone from speaking, a hand single might be used. What is a ball gag?

Finally, there’s the importance of checking in. A good dom is very connected to their partner, and sensitive to their needs. This is especially the case with intense play or inexperienced subs. If you are a dom, it is your responsibility to check in with your sub. You never want to create a situation where they are overwhelmed, and are unable to communicate their safeword.

What Appeals Most

Let’s say you know where you stand, now it’s time to figure out what turns you on. Maybe  you have a very specific fantasy or fetish to indulge? It’s also perfectly normal to be interested in using different bondage sex restraints. Some common forms of play include discipline, chastity, bondage, and corporal punishment. The better you understand what gets you off, the more you will enjoy your sessions.

Any Complete Turn-Offs?

You should also identify your deal breakers. These are activities that you absolutely never want to try, that you might try someday, or that just leave you feeling cold. This is another important conversation to have with any potential partner so that neither of you initiate something that might ruin the moment for both of you.

As you define what it is that you don’t like, consider categorizing things. For example, there may be things that you are 100% unwilling to do ever, under any circumstance, things that you are afraid to try now (but maybe later), or things that don’t excite you but that you might be willing to try for your partner. Be aware that your partner will have their own list. Compatibility comes when both of you have plenty of shared kinks.

It’s imperative that these conversations are had openly and honestly. It’s unacceptable to pressure someone into participating in a kink that isn’t for them. At the same, it’s also poor form to engage in kink shaming.

BDSM Community

As you explore the BDSM lifestyle, you will probably become aware of the local BDSM community. You may choose to participate in a community like FetLife, or keep your activities behind closed doors.

It’s certainly understandable if you prefer discretion, but it can be absolutely fulfilling to connect with others who enjoy the same things that you do. Members of the BDSM community often gather in real-life meetups, or they connect through the internet.

A BDSM munch is a casual gathering of enthusiasts. You can also research fetish or sex clubs to connect with potential BDSM partners or players. To find what’s available in your area, start by disabling Google’s Safe Search feature, and searching terms like, ‘BDSM club near me’. You might also find information on more kink-friendly social media sites like Tumblr.

Top Picks for Beginners:

Terminology: What Are SSC And RACK?

These are two important terms to remember. RACK means Risk Aware Consensual Kink. SSC is Safe, Sane, and Consensual. The primary difference between the two is safety.

For example, RACK allows for risky behaviors as long as both parties agree and consent. SSC involves placing some limits for the sake of safety. In the BDSM world, there are some other philosophies as well.

For example, some use the concept of PRICK which is Personal Responsibility Informed Consent Kink. There’s also CCC which is Committed, Compassionate, Consent. Whatever one you choose, all the rules involving safewords and consent still apply.

Since we are a vanilla BDSM store, we don't divulge too deeply into kink. For more information check out erotica author & bondage educator Kate Kinsley for additional terminology and to find her books. If you lack inspiration on how to start, reading a novel with surely provide a wealth of ideas on what to try and what it will actually be like.

BDSM Toys: Submission And Domination For Beginners

Most people who are active in this lifestyle accumulate a collection of toys to facilitate their beginner bondage and discipline sessions. I complied a selection of my favorite bondage gear if you're interested in seeing my personal favorite,s along with some erotic stories too, just for fun! Take a look at some of the best!

Handcuffs

Handcuffs and other restraints are some of the most common bondage toys for beginners. Try these furry handcuffs for ideal comfort and safety. Thigh and wrist cuffs are a unique twist on bondage play for people who would like to try something a bit more intense.

Whips And Paddles

When people think of BDSM, they often think of spankings with a BDSM crop and other forms of discipline. Couples can absolutely have fun with this. The key is choosing your preferred level of intensity. A Tease Feather tickler provides an intense sensory experience with no pain whatsoever. At the other end of the spectrum of spanking sex toys is the bull whip that is sure to deliver sharp, yet exquisite pain.

Nipple Clamps

How do you combine pain with intense sexual pleasure? How do  you ensure that you or your partner are moaning and squirming in orgasmic and painful delight? Try a nipple clamp. For beginners, try the First Timer Clamps.

Ties And Tape

Rope bondage is a very popular and complex subset of BDSM. Those who practice this painstakingly select the ideal ropes, made just for this practice. They learn a variety of different knots and restraints. Spend some time at this, and you will see what an art this really is. To help you get started, consider the Silk Rope Hog Tie.

Other couples enjoy play that involves body safe tape. We recommend Fantasy Bondage Tape for first time users. It binds tight, but also comes off easily.

Bondage Kits

No BDSM guide for beginners would be complete without an all-in-one bondage kit. This Beginner’s Bondage Kit includes restraints, cuffs, a whip, and a blindfold. Everything you need for your first sessions.

Final Thoughts

Hopefully these BDSM tips will help you as you explore this exciting way of expressing your sexuality. Get fresh ideas with a sex position book. Keep the pointers here in mind, and check out the toys we’ve recommended here. Once you’ve learned your role, and your preferences, you are sure to have many orgasmic experiences.

Click to buy bondage toys online.